How to Change Anything About Yourself - Even if It Seems Like a Basic Character Trait
When we see outcomes in our life that we don’t like, we are often unaware of how much we, ourselves, are contributing to them.
We do that through the choices we make.
Some of these are conscious, many are unconscious. Some are macro, most are micro. In fact, macro choices are made up of many micro choices made day in, day out.
We are not aware of most of these choices, they are below the threshold of awareness.
Your character is made up of the culmination of decisions you make in life.
Another way of saying this is that who you are is to do with choices.
These decisions could be paired in an infinite number of ways, for example:
Do now vs do later (promptitude - procrastination)
See the good vs see the bad (optimism - pessimism)
Do what's easy vs do what's challenging (lackadaisical-spirited)
We tend to see only the outcomes, not the choices.
Often, we don't realize we even have choices, because we are unaware of making them.
Let’s take optimism vs pessimism, as an example.
The person who is chronically pessimistic will probably feel an outcome called depression. This comes from a mental habit, below the threshold of awareness, of consistently choosing to see the negative side of things.
This person probably thinks of herself as "depressed". She may even think of this as who she is as a fundamental character trait. She is most likely unaware of the choices being made in her thinking that culminates in what we call depression.
The good news is that this is not necessarily a character trait, but a mental habit. A mental habit can be changed.
When you want to change a pattern in your life, what's important is identifying which set of choices have become entrenched. Habitual patterns are embedded in our neural networks like a highway of thinking and reactions, becoming default patterns.
Once we become aware of the choices, we can focus on developing a new default. Underlying these are a set of habits - mental and behavioral.
Here are the steps to changing outcomes you don’t want:
Take the perspective that an outcome you want to change in life arises simply from a set of choices
Identify which choices lead to the outcome
Determine which habits - mental and behavioral - cause you to make these choices
Change each habit, one at a time
This, of course, is easier said than done.
For one, an outcome is normally a person's "reality". Their lived experience. So stepping out of that to see the set of choices often takes the help of someone else. Thankfully, that someone else may have written a book to help.
Once you know the pattern of choices, you need to become aware of the habits - mental and physical that led to these choices. This takes meticulous self-observation. Catching yourself in the act.
Changing habits is often challenging. That's because we are wired to do the default thing. Doing something differently takes extra effort. However, the more we do something differently, the more this new thing becomes the default and the easier it is to do over time.
I myself cured myself of depression forever by applying these very steps.
I'd been depressed for decades, cycling through severe to mild and back again at various stages of life.
How did I change? First, I became aware of the fact that depression is a set of mental choices. I learned this by reading Martin E.P. Seligman's book "Learned Optimism". I discovered my own pattern of thinking that had led to depression. Then I relentlessly set about changing my default thinking habits.
It was worth the effort. I changed from being chronically miserable to mostly happy.
It’s never too late to change the outcomes of your life by modifying your choices, even if it’s become so entrenched, it's developed into a character trait.
It just takes an open attitude and willingness to change some habits.
Also read: The Essential Superpower to Get the Most Out of Life