The Inner Dialogue That Robs You of Sleep
Cecilia was constantly berating herself for something. And second-guessing herself. She had big aspirations but would cut herself down, questioning her abilities and drive.
Another part of herself was always giving herself slack. She would give into her whims, then regret them later, then start berating herself again.
She brought this inner dialogue to bed with her at night and then she would wake up too early and the self-punishment would start up again.
Her war within herself was alleviated with a helpful concept I shared with her. This helped her gain some self-awareness. Bringing attention to the dynamics of this negative and debilitating mind trap stripped it of its power.
The concept is called Transactional Analysis to describe three basic ego states a person can be in at any given time. Here they are:
Parent
Adult
Child
We internalize the "Parent" ego state when we are children, according to the authority figures we encounter at that time in our lives.
The internalized Parent is always telling you what to do.
We have two types of internalized Parents. The "authoritarian parent" is full of "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts.
The internalized (so-called) "nurturing parent" lets you off the hook, seeking to "rescue" you from the bad feelings you get when not doing what the "authoritarian" parent says.
The Child ego state reacts to the Parent, either complying or rebelling.
These patterns can get lodged in the mind, an endless internal dialogue.
This is what was going on with my client, Cecilia when she went to bed and when she woke up in the morning. This mind trap kept her from getting to sleep at night and from staying asleep in the morning.
Mind traps like this are more common than you might think.
Here is an example of the inner dialogue when procrastinating going to bed.
Child: "Let's watch one more episode of Netflix before I go to bed"
Authoritarian Parent: "No way, you have to get up early tomorrow morning."
Child: "But I've had such a busy day and surely I deserve to relax!"
Nurturing Parent: "Well, OK, but just one more!"
The Inner Child wants to stay up and relax for a while longer, even if sleepy, while the Inner Parent knows you should be getting to bed.
This is a potent example because it is exactly the kind of thing the real little you and your real parents might have tussled over when you were five years old or younger.
This is the age when your life scripts are laid down. When you are older this becomes a part of your subconscious mind, directing how your life goes.
So, how do you get out of the endless loop of night-time self-recrimination and self-justification which makes you miserable and messes with your sleep?
There is a more skillful ego state available.
This other ego state is the Adult.
You can use this other ego state with yourself now whenever the Parent-Child inner conflict is wreaking havoc in your life.
The Adult ego state is reasonable and rational and not caught up in emotional turmoil. The Adult ego state does not communicate “down” to a child, but across, to, and equal, to another adult.
Here is a sample dialogue between a parent talking to a child with the parent talking from the Adult Ego State.
Parent (in adult ego state): "Mary, I understand that right now you want to watch another episode of Netflix. However, if you do that, what time will you actually go to sleep? And what time do you need to get up in the morning? How will you feel if you watch another episode? So which do you choose, knowing the consequences?"
This is the dialogue you can have with yourself in this situation.
The tone is different.
It's not about guilt trips or giving yourself slack. It's about considering the consequences of an action.
Making a conscious choice.
Of course, you may still decide to watch that other episode on Netflix, but you are doing it in a different spirit. You consciously made the choice and are in charge of the situation.
From this ego state, you will be less likely to get caught in the trap of the Parent-Child inner struggle which locks patterns of behavior in place.
When you become aware that you have been caught in an endless loop of conflicting dialogue with yourself, pause for a moment.
Ask yourself, “What part of me is engaged in this dialogue?”
Chances are, you will detect an internalized parent and an internalized child.
Bring the adult into the picture. What perspective can this part of you bring to the situation to put your mind to rest?
And to sleep.