How Mental Habits of Perfectionism Can Lead to Insomnia
Are you a perfectionist? You might also suffer from insomnia
Many people with sleep problems are perfectionists.
There is a high correlation between perfectionism and chronic insomnia.
Two factors in the thinking style of perfectionists correlate with chronic insomnia; these are high personal standards and concern over making mistakes, both together.
In other words, high personal standards are only a problem for sleep when coupled with concern over making mistakes.
You can see how this thinking style could predispose a person to insomnia.
First, a perfectionist would hold an ideal about how much sleep they should be getting and the quality of their sleep.
What happens when sleep isn't so great and doesn't meet this standard?
The non-perfectionist may think "Oh, well, there's always tomorrow night".
The perfectionist would tend to question her sleep. "What happened to cause this poor sleep?” “Should I have gone to bed a bit earlier? Should I have not had that extra glass of wine? Should I have ...."
This self-questioning can then lead to anxiety about sleep.
Then there is concern about what will happen the next night. That concern then predisposes the person to another night of poor sleep. And so, the pattern continues until it is set in place.
This is a mind trap a perfectionist can easily fall victim to.
I am intimately aware of this perspective, as I am a perfectionist.
I remember as a child in school, taking a new clean page for my notes, and writing the date at the top. Not satisfied with the way it looked, I'd tear out the page and start again. Meanwhile, I was oblivious to whatever the teacher was saying.
The perfectionist can concern herself with little details that ultimately don't matter too much in the greater scheme of things.
The mind trap of perfectionism
Perfectionism is a curse.
It is not being satisfied with the world unless everything is just so.
There are moments, little glimpses of "all is good". The sun is shining, cup of tea at hand, the morning stretching ahead full of promise.
And then it’s gone. The upsetting email comes in, the forgotten technical issue that will take all day to resolve, the account that won’t balance.
What lies under the thinking style of the perfectionist?
The thinking style of high standards coupled with concern over making mistakes.
Underneath these traits are a set of mindsets that make up the mental trap of perfectionism.
1) Lack of trust in life
2) Attempting to control outcomes
3) Trying too hard
4) Low self-esteem
Essentially, perfectionism is about not trusting life the way it is or how it is unfolding.
Not trusting oneself.
Perfectionism is not trusting the wave of life, and not trusting oneself to ride the wave. (And not being OK with falling off and getting up again.)
A lack of trust in life is a feeling of vigilance.
Nothing can be left to chance – the moment you are not paying attention, something could (and probably will) go awry.
Perfectionism is about control
Because the perfectionist essentially doesn’t trust life, she compensates by trying to control outcomes.
The perfectionist tends to scan her world looking for what she could have done better, or what could be better.
In order to circumvent any potential calamities, the perfectionist is busy trying to control the world around her. This is why the perfectionist carries high standards and has a high degree of concern over making mistakes.
Perfectionism is about trying too hard.
In my mind, the non-perfectionist rides the waves of life, a surfer, exhilarating in the flow of life energy.
Whereas the perfectionist is doing laps in a pool, doggedly getting things done.
Ultimately, the perfectionist is not really satisfied with herself. We perfectionists externalize this dissatisfaction to the world around us and most especially to the products of our labor.
All of this leads to trying too hard. With all of these things to look after, the perfectionist must work like the dickens to manage it all.
This, of course, is exhausting.
Perfectionism can lead to low self-esteem
We set impossible ideals to live up to. And then, when we can’t, which is inevitable, self-doubt rolls in.
“If only such-and-such were done just right then maybe I’d be rewarded, maybe I’d be approved of” – so says the subconscious mind of the perfectionist.
Inevitably, the perfectionist fails to live up to her standards. Without a sense of perspective and a dose of realism, the perfectionist is vulnerable to low self-esteem. From her perspective, she is just not cutting it.
The worst part about perfectionism is the standards we set for ourselves.
When applied to sleep, this pattern can lead to sleep anxiety.
Sleep anxiety is when the prospect of sleep itself initiates angst. Sleep and anxiety simply don't mix. Sleep requires the brain to let go, not worry, relax.
Sleep anxiety can lead to chronic insomnia.
The secret to getting better sleep for the perfectionist
The perfectionist insomniac needs to learn from the non-perfectionist; The person who breezes through life allowing things to be as they are. When things do slip through the cracks, they forgive themselves.
Because everyone knows that no one is perfect.
This is especially important when it comes to sleep.
Our energy ebbs and flows over the course of the day. As the day wears on, energy peaks tend to wane. Finally, at the end of the day, that wave of sleepiness washes over. You can ride that wave into sleep.
If you miss it for some reason, you just need to catch the next wave.
The mind traps of perfectionism can easily lead to chronic insomnia. Lack of trust in life, trying to control outcomes, and trying too hard simply don't mix with good sleep.
That's because sleep is about letting go, surrendering.
The perfectionist instead, instinctively tries harder.
The perfectionist applies effort when simply allowing things to unfold is the best course of action. The perfectionist gets tangled up in thoughts and forcing energy that turns into frustration and stress.
This is a real problem when applied to getting to sleep.
The perfectionist with insomnia needs to learn to ride the wave of sleep. To allow that sleepy feeling to tumble over her, to let go.
To be OK with falling, releasing, and surrendering to the night.
But, how do you turn trying too hard into allowing?
How to discern where to put the energy of application and when to let go?
This is the dilemma of the perfectionist who tends to apply intention, energy, and micromanaging towards EVERYTHING.
The trick with sleep is to apply energy towards getting tired - not towards sleep itself.
And then to be OK with things if sleep doesn't want to come.
If sleep doesn't come, that's OK. Allow things to be as they are.
Tomorrow is another day. The next night is another night.